Can we get real about being a new mom? I mean, totally, no-holds barred real about new motherhood?
There is nothing in the world that can truly prepare you to become a mother. You can read all the books, the blogs, talk to your most honest and genuine friends and the transition will still shock and stun you.
If you’re reading this while pregnant, I don’t mean to scare you. In some ways, becoming a mother is the most amazing, fun experience in the world. And in other ways it is the most challenging, mind blowing, difficult experience ever.
Let’s start with sleep. The number one complaint of any new parent is typically that they are exhausted.
Sleep can be a mystery, for both you and your child. Trying to figure out both nighttime sleep and naps can feel like trying to figure out the theory of relativity. If your child happens to have a good night’s sleep, you try to recreate every detail the next day only to find yourself pacing the hallways for hours.
Even if you have a child who is a “good” sleeper (a term that I bristle at as the alternative is that your kid is a “bad” sleeper, rather than a small human who is trying to figure the world out), your own sleep can hugely go off the rails after becoming a mother.
It is one of the most frustrating experiences to be counting down the minutes to your own bedtime, crawl into bed, pull the covers up over your head, close your eyes and wait.
And wait some more.
All of a sudden you are listening for every single sound. You are replaying the events of the day and trying to figure out what tomorrow is going to look like.
It can feel agonizing.
When you’re feeling exhausted, even the smallest stressor can feel insurmountable. Exhaustion can exacerbate symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety. You may feel that you’ll never sleep again.
Another common issue for new moms is the isolation. Prior to having children, you had your own life. You went to work, met friends for dinner, went out into the world without needing a 10 step plan.
Now that has changed. Leaving the house can feel like an impossibility (plus, you haven’t got out of your pajamas in days and have no desire to start now). You’re at the mercy of your baby. You are so exhausted (see above) that you’re not really sure that you could carry a conversation with another human being.
However, the isolation makes you feel disconnected. You feel as if you’re living in a prison of your own making. Your only glimpse into the outside world is your Facebook feed.
Another huge shock for many new moms is the changes in their relationships. You may feel less than warm and fuzzy towards your partner. This person that you chose to co-parent with is feeling more like unhelpful roommate than the totally awesome partner than they usually are.
Your relationships with your own parents can change. Those quirks that you used to tolerate from your own family of origin can trigger intense reactions. You start to question how you were parented when you see your family interact with your baby. You may grow a greater appreciation for your own mother or you may feel more disconnected than you ever have been.
Even some of your closest friendships can feel foreign to you. You can no longer spend hours chatting with your book club (let alone reading the book!). Your plans with other mom friends are at the mercy of runny noses and stomach bugs. The idea of going to a mom group where you have to make small talk with a room full of strangers kind of sounds like torture.
This mix of exhaustion, isolation and relationship changes can have an significant impact on your mood. You may feel guilty that you’re not “enjoying” this phase.
You are not alone.
While not widely spoken about, these are not uncommon experiences for new moms. However, they are not talked about enough because there is an unrealistic expectation about motherhood.
We are supposed to love it all. Now, there are definitely lots of parts to love. The feel of rocking a baby to sleep, watching them develop and grow, feeling more and more confident in your own role. But there’s also lots of parts that aren’t so loveable.
- It’s totally okay to not love every part of motherhood, all of the time.
- It is totally okay to miss your old life.
- It is totally okay to reach out for support if things are feeling too overwhelming.
- It is okay to be sad that life has totally changed in ways that you never expected.
- It is okay to love parts of this experience and okay to be less than thrilled about the others.