Imposter Syndrome: Coping with "I'm Not Good Enough Anxiety"

Imposter Syndrome | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

When I first started grad school, we were warned of a very serious condition that would likely affect us all at some point; the dreaded imposter syndrome. 

Symptoms of imposter syndrome could include:

– feeling like were not good enough to succeed at grad school

-feeling like a mistake had been made at the admissions office.  Very soon someone would have to awkwardly pull us to the side and break it to us that we needed to leave

– feeling that everyone around was much smarter, better qualified, and overall just better than us

– anxiety that someone would find out about the fact that we sucked

– feeling that we would never live up to be the ideal “grad student”; we would always be lacking in some way

– feeling like we needed to change things about ourselves to fit in

Sure enough, within a few months (or weeks…or days) many of us came down with imposter syndrome. I remember looking around at all of these brilliant future psychologists and thinking that while I had everyone fooled for the time being, soon enough my facade would crumble and everyone would realize how much I didn’t belong.  Turned out that I was not the only one, as all our anxieties came tumbling out at various times (I’m pretty sure that a mandatory  part of the graduate school experience is having a tearful freak out in a peer’s office).   Unfortunately imposter syndrome isn’t unique to graduate students (although it does seem to be rampant there!).  Many of us may feel imposter syndrome in various parts of our lives.

Have you ever felt like an imposter?  Maybe when you started a school program or a new job?  New moms will often feel that they feel like an imposter (um, why did the hospital actually let me take this baby home?  I have no idea what I am doing!).   You may have even felt like an imposter when making new friends (if they knew the real me they would never be my friend).  Usually we are infected by imposter syndrome when we are doing something new and feel anxiety about our abilities and whether we belong (anxious over achievers are often prone to imposter syndrome).

 How can we cope with imposter syndrome?  Can it ever be cured? 

Imposter syndrome is often linked with anxiety.  We worry about our abilities, our skill set and there is also a fear of being “discovered” by other people.  We do not feel good enough.  While it is very normal to feel anxious when starting a new experience, imposter syndrome can chip away at our belief in ourselves.  We begin to view things through the lens of anxiety and may misinterpret normal growing pains as a lack of our own abilities.  In order to cope with imposter syndrome we need to do a few things;

• Accept that it is totally normal to feel anxiety in new situations; how the heck are you supposed to know how to do something if you’ve never done it before?

• Acknowledge that it will take time to figure out how to do things and that once you’ve figured those out, there will be new challenges. We may always feel a bit out of our element

• Talk to others about imposter syndrome; you may be surprised to see how many people have experienced this

• Remind yourself of other times when you may have felt like an imposter; did that feeling resolve?

• Ask for help! I know this is a scary one, since you may be scared that this will reveal that you are an imposter, but part of the learning process is getting help from those who have gone before us

Feeling like an imposter sucks, but over time and with some self-compassion, these feelings can go away.  Know someone who suffers from imposter syndrome?  Share this blog post with them!

Wanna Feel Glad? You Gotta Make Room for Sad, Mad and Bad

Managing Emotions | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

We are often hit over the head with the message that we need to “think positive!” or “look for the silver lining” or “there’s always someone who has it worse than you” when we are faced with a difficult situation.  When bad things happen, the old adage "everything happens for a reason" is whipped out at least once to try to change how we feel about it. When we are struggling, we may downplay our own experience so that we don't make other people uncomfortable.  We just don't want to feel bad. However, this can get us into emotional trouble. We all came into this world with a full and complete set of emotions, ranging from the most joyous to the depths of despair.  We are meant to feel them all.  Our feelings are responses, messages, information for us to use to make sense of our world.

Despite the usefulness of all emotions, we seem to have a tense relationship with the "negative" emotions.   We may pile on judgement and criticism for feeling very reasonable and normal responses to stressful situations.  We may be shamed by others for our feelings. Every day I work with people who are beating themselves up for having normal, human reactions to incredibly tough situations (one of my most commonly used phrases in therapy is “it would be weird if you were okay with that”).Let’s stop shaming ourselves for having normal feelings.

If you are struggling with infertility and desperately want a baby, it’s okay to feel sad.

If you are concerned about your job security, it’s okay to feel anxiety.

If your child is struggling in school, it’s okay to be worried about it.

If you can’t remember the last time you really connected with another person, it’s okay to feel lonely.

If you have lost a loved one, it’s okay to feel grief.

If someone has taken advantage of you, it’s okay to feel anger.

There is nothing inherently bad about these feelings.  Yes, they feel uncomfortable.  Yes, they may bring some painful truths into our awareness.  Yes, we much rather feel the more warm and fuzzy feelings, but there is nothing inherently bad about “negative” emotions.  Where things can start going off the rails is when we start piling on unrealistic expectations about feelings on ourselves.

“I need to be strong.”

“Why am I being such a baby?”

“This is not a big deal; I don’t need to freak out.”

We judge and criticize ourselves for normal reactions, which is the equivalent of dumping a canister of gasoline on a fire.  Or we try to avoid the feelings, which is kind of like trying to shove one more thing into an already overflowing drawer.   However, by interfering with the negative feelings, we also interfere with our ability to experience positive feelings.  We can't just stop one part of the system, without impacting the entire emotional system.  Feelings can get too overwhelming, too intense or we feel emotionally paralyzed or detached.   This is usually the point when people end up in my office; they are confused, overwhelmed and tired of their own feelings.

As counter-intuitive as it may sound, in order to make room for happiness and joy, we also need to make room for the negative feelings.  We need to accept our own responses and reactions.  However, this can be tough, especially if you have been struggling with your feelings for a long time.  It can be hard to regain emotional balance.  A large component of the therapy process is identifying feelings, understanding why those feelings are present, accepting the feelings for what they are and adjusting expectations about feelings.  Your feelings don't need to be a battle.

7 Signs That You May be an Anxious Over Achiever (Even if You Would Never Describe Yourself as One)

Anxious Overachiever | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

We all know one.  That person who always seems to have it together.  She seems to always be on the go, getting involved in committees and projects.  She gets up at 5:00 a.m. to fit in a morning work-out.  She is kind and gracious, with a large group of friends.  Her home is beautifully decorated.  She gets recognition at work.  She always looks put together.  However, despite this, she feels that she is never good enough.  There is a constant sense of “should do more.”  The anxiety may be overwhelming that pops up every now and again or it may be a constant, quiet hum that is always there.  She is always striving to do more, yet it never feels good enough.  She is the anxious over achiever.  She is prone to worry and her way of coping is to achieve.  However, it is never enough.  There is always more to do.  It is exhausting.  

Are you an anxious over-achiever?

1. The idea that you are an over achiever is laughable (to you).  However, you likely have heard from other people “I don’t know how you do it.”  You may have done really well in school, even gone on to advanced degrees.  You get involved in your community, whether it’s sitting on committees or even starting a group.  You have a skill or talent that you are known for. If you objectively assess, you have probably done things that most people do not do.

1. You have a difficult time acknowledging your accomplishments.  It might feel like you are bragging.  You minimize your successes (“It’s really not that big of a deal that I made partner at my firm”).  You tend to surround yourself with other accomplished people and feel that you never quite measure up to their successes.

1. You have a hard time finishing projects because they won’t be “perfect.”  Whether it’s a craft, an article that you’re trying to write, or decorating a room, there is a block.  You have an ideal outcome, and if you feel that you can’t reach it, it’s not worth doing.  The idea of making mistakes terrorizes you.  You have struggled with procrastination.

1. You would describe yourself as a worrier.  You worry about your family.  You worry about your finances.  You worry about your health.  You worry about your job.  You worry about your parenting skills.  You worry about the future.  The anxiety has likely been a life-long companion.

1. You cope with the worry by making plans.  You have a plan A, B, C & D.  You make lists (it gives you a thrill to check something off as completed!).  You have an idea of where you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years.  You try to map out your life.

1. You’re both drawn to and completely confused by “laid back” people.  You can’t understand how someone can just leave packing a suitcase until the last minute.  You’re baffled by their approach to just “play it by ear.”  However, you are drawn to this type of person and may even choose someone like this as your partner (which then can lead to frustrations down the road).

1. There is a discrepancy between your expectations of yourself (very high), your perceptions of yourself (low) and reality (likely closer to your expectations than you acknowledge).  While setting high expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, you often set them *too* high and often in all parts of your life.  You want to be the best mother, wife, professional, yogi, scrapbooker and baker that Pinterest tells you that you should be.  However, you are hard on yourself, and perceive yourself as falling very short of your expectations.  You have a mental list of the mistakes you’ve made, how you are failing and you are your own worst critic.  If you objectively assessed your successes (or had other people judge them), there is a great likelihood that your reality is much closer to your expectations then you give yourself credit for.

How do you break the anxious over achiever cycle?  First acknowledge that you are one.  This may be a tough one, since it involves accepting that you are indeed an over achiever.  Own your accomplishments and your strengths.  There is nothing shameful about acknowledging it.  Once you have accepted that you are an anxious over achiever, start becoming aware of 1) your expectations 2) your perceptions and 3) reality.  Often there is a tension between the three which can create anxiety; if you feel that you’re never living up to a certain ideal (despite evidence to the contrary) this is going to fuel the anxiety.  You will be stuck in a place of feeling never “enough. “

Often anxious over achievers seek therapy because the anxiety becomes overwhelming.  While over achieving may keep the anxiety at bay for a period of time, as life becomes more challenging, this coping mechanism is just not sustainable.   There is no way to be amazing at all things.  Learning to be more compassionate to ourselves, allowing ourselves to fail, allowing ourselves to lower the bar and learning to tolerate, rather than fight, the anxiety are ways to break this anxiety cycle.  Believe that you are good enough.

10 Simple Ways to Manage Holiday Stress

Holiday Stress | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

December, and the holidays, can be a tough month for many people.  There are so many expectations and ideals of what the holidays “should” look like.  Striving to meet these ideals can be incredibly stressful though.  Travel, over-scheduling, financial strains, family conflict and over-stimulation can create feelings of anxiety, stress and feeling overwhelmed.  Now is probably the time when you need to manage the stress the most, but when your resources are limited.  It is probably not the best time to start an intensive meditation practice or learn a new hobby.  Here are a few simple ways to manage holiday stress (you can start meditating in January!).

1. Create realistic expectations about what the holidays will be like.  Having realistic expectations can protect us from feeling disappointed or frustrated by our situations.  Base your expectations on previous years.  If most years are chaotic and hurried, there is a good chance that this year will be like that again (unless we make conscious changes to alter the experience-more on that next!).   Many people feel disappointed when their holiday celebrations don’t turn out to be the picture perfect Norman Rockwell experience, even when they have zero evidence to support that fantasy.  Even if it’s uncomfortable, base your expectations on your previous experiences.
2. Make changes if previous experiences have been stressful, even if those changes may not be accepted by everyone.  One of the most common stressors for my clients is establishing new traditions with their created families while maintaining the traditions with their family of origin.  Sometimes it’s impossible for the two to co-exist together, and difficult changes need to be made.  A few years ago my husband and I decided that it was too stressful to travel on Christmas day with young children.  While this decision changed the holiday experience for us and our extended family, it made things much more manageable.  You need to decide what the right balance for you and your family is.
3. Take a deep breath when things start feeling overwhelming.  Make sure it’s a true deep breath.  Most of us have trained ourselves to be chest breathers and very rarely take truly deep breaths.  Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly.  Take a deep breath.  If the hand on your chest moves, your breathing is too shallow.  The hand on your belly should move as your belly expands.  Watch babies and animals breathing – that’s what you’re striving for.
4. Don't rely on caffeine to get through the holiday season.  I understand, this one is painful.  Caffeine can be fabulous.  It can perk you up, make long days bearable, and give you that boost that you need to face the shopping crowds.  However, it can also boost our heart rate, make us feel jittery and essentially mimic symptoms of anxiety.  If you’re already revved up by stress, probably not a good idea to caffeinate.
5. Be in the present moment during the enjoyable moments.  Often we are on autopilot, especially when we feel that there is a lot to achieve, and we then miss out on the positive effects of a pleasurable moment.  During a holiday dinner, truly taste the food that you are eating.   Give a friend or family member that you may not see very often all of your attention and focus on the connection between the two of you.  Enjoy the quiet moments.
6. Make time for exercise.  You don’t have to train for a marathon, become a competitive body builder or manage to turn yourself into a human pretzel, especially during a hectic time like the holidays.  Just move your body in a way that you enjoy, get the blood pumping, and spend some time doing something that is healthy for both your mind and body.
7. Help someone.  Help an elderly person load groceries into their cars.  Drop off a home cooked meal to a new mom.  Turn the focus away from yourself and find a way to make someone else’s day a little better.  It doesn’t have to be a long term, highly invested commitment on your part, just a simple act that someone may appreciate.  During the holidays, there are usually lots of opportunities to help others.
8. Go outside for a few minutes.  You don’t have to go on a 100 kilometre hike, just get out of your house or office.  Get some fresh air, eyeball some nature and just change up your scenery for a few minutes.
9. Stretch.  Sitting for long periods of time is bad for our bodies and our minds.  Get up, stretch out and get the blood flowing.  This is particularly important if you are doing a lot of travelling and are trapped in a car/plane/train for long periods of time.
10. Practice being grateful.  Experiencing gratitude has many benefits (see here for more information) and the holidays can be an ideal time to exercise our gratitude muscles.  Reflect on the last year; what are some of the highlights?  What progress did you make?  What parts of the holiday celebrations do you most enjoy and feel grateful to be able to participate in?

While is is likely that the holiday season will bring some stress, it is possible to manage the holiday stress and enjoy.

Understanding The NICU Experience: Tips for Parents and their Supports

Premature Baby | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Having a baby (or babies) that have been born premature or born with health issues that require a stay in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) turns an already overwhelming situation into a hugely overwhelming situation.  Rather than leaving the hospital with your brand new baby, you are thrust into a scary, overwhelming world of the NICU.  Babies are teeny, tiny, hooked up to all sorts of medical monitors and rather than snuggling your newborn in the comfort of your own home, you may be unable to even hold your own child for weeks on end.  Good days can quickly turn to awful ones.  You quickly learn foreign medical lingo that you never, ever wanted to know.  The uncertainty is overwhelming.  Not shockingly, this can put parents through the emotional wringer.   Here are some tips for parents who are experiencing the intense ups and downs of the NICU and tips for their friends and family in how to best support them.

If you have a baby in the NICU:

• Be gentle with yourself.  This is a very stressful time for you and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed, anxious, sad, and completely shell-shocked by this experience.  This will likely be one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences of your life.  Don’t judge or criticize yourself for how you are reacting.
• Practice as much self-care as possible.  Try to get some good sleep (which can be a challenge for moms who are pumping breast milk every 3-4 hours).   Try to eat regular meals.  Go on short walks.  As hard as it may be to leave the hospital, breaks can be so important for your well-being.
• Right now you are in survival mode.  This is not the time to start new projects, keep up with your social obligations or take on any additional responsibilities.
• Ask for specific help from your family and friends.  They likely want to help and support but may be at a loss as to what will be helpful.  Ask for meals, rides to the hospital, babysitting for older siblings, help with specific household chores like cutting the grass.  People are much more likely to spring into action when they have a specific task (trust me, people want to help!).
• Try to connect with other parents in the NICU.  Having a support system that knows exactly what you are going through can be beneficial.  You may also get a lot of valuable information from parents who are a bit further ahead of you in their own journey.
• Feel free to ask the NICU staff lots of questions about your baby and their care.  One of the worst parts of the NICU experience is feeling like an outsider in the care of your own child.  Ask how you can be involved in caring for your child whether it’s changing their diaper, bathing them, or doing kangaroo care.
• Prepare yourself for the long road ahead after discharge.  Your child may need to be followed up very closely for the first few years of their life.  They may have long term health effects that need attention.  Even if there are no long-term physical effects for your child, there may be long-term emotional effects for you.  Parents of children who have had NICU stay can develop symptoms of anxiety, depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Counselling may be beneficial if you find that you continue to be emotionally overwhelmed.

If someone you love has a baby in the NICU:

• Congratulate the parents on the birth of their child.  While the circumstances may not be ideal and this is a very scary time for the parents, they have just welcomed a new member of their family.  This simple act can help normalize a very stressful situation.
• General offers of help will likely go unanswered.  It may be difficult for the parents to ask for help, so offer to do specific tasks.  Feel free to read Know a New Mom? 10 Things You Can Do To Support Her for ideas on how to support the new parents.
• Don’t bombard the parents with questions.  While it is very understandable that you are concerned, it can feel overwhelming to parents.  Allow them to share information at the speed and in the mode that they are most comfortable with.  Most importantly, just give them an opportunity to be listened to.  Ask how they are doing.
• If you even have the slightest hint of a cold, stay away from the NICU.  Seriously, even a tickle in your throat, stay home.  All the parents of the babes in the NICU will thank you.
• When baby is discharged from the hospital, check in with the parents if they are up for visitors.  Wash your hands when you get there as premature or medically compromised babies can be more susceptible to illness, particularly around cold and flu season.  The parents may feel awkward in asking you to wash up.
• Ask how the parents are doing.  Significant life stressors, such as a premature or sick child, can be a risk factor for postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Keep an eye out on both mom and dad.  Emotional symptoms may start to develop months after discharge, so keep checking in.

A NICU stay can be an incredibly traumatic event for parents, so they are in high need of support and self-care.  Don’t be shy to ask or offer help during this highly stressful time.

Communication Problems: The Cause of Relationship Angst?

Communication | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Do you ever feel that you and your partner are speaking two different languages?  Do you feel that your partner doesn’t really understand what you are trying to tell him or her?  Do you feel that you have the same discussion again and again, without making any progress at all (if anything, it feels like you’re further apart than you initially were)?  Has it got to the point where it just feels easier to avoid certain types of discussions, even though you know they need to happen at some point?  Does it feel like communication problems are the root cause of much of your relationship dissatisfaction?  If any of this ring true, you are definitely not alone.

Without fail, every couple that comes through our door identifies one major issue in their relationship; communication problems.  They describe a never ending pattern of trying to have the same discussion again and again, never fully resolving it.  They end up frustrated, exasperated and feeling like they just spent the last 15 minutes trying to communicate with their partner in two different languages.  Every couple turns to me and says “We need to learn to communicate better.” However, are communication problems really the issue?

There is no doubt that there are communication skills that can help people communicate more effectively such as active listening, reflection, and not interrupting.  These skills are relatively simple in theory and most people are capable of using them.  When I work with couples, almost everyone is able to demonstrate these skills when interacting with me.  They are able to listen to me, take in information and provide me with information about their own experience.  A lack of communication skills is relatively infrequent.  However, when they try to communicate with their partner, all of those skills go right out the window.  How does it happen that two people, who have the basic skill set, go so off course with each other?

Often it’s not a lack of communication skills that is the problem, but rather the emotional intensity between partners that interferes with truly being able to listen to each other.  We enter relationships because we want to feel that there is that one person who understands us, will listen to us, support us and even when they don’t quite get us, will work really hard to at least try.  When we feel that our partner is not really listening or understanding us, this can trigger some intense emotional reactions.  We may feel sad that they don’t seem to care about us or our concerns.  We may feel anger that they are not agreeing with our perspectives.  We may feel attacked, and in response, go on the defensive.  All of these responses, while very understandable and normal, greatly impact our ability to communicate with our partners.  If we are feeling overwhelmed emotionally, it is very difficult to actually listen to someone else; it’s kind of like trying to have a calm, rational discussion while trying to flee a burning building.

Rather than attributing our relationship difficulties to a communication skills deficit, it is more likely that we are having a hard time truly connecting with our partners.  We want our partner to show us that they are truly listening and trying to see things from our perspectives and it is likely that this is what they want from us as well.  

How do we solve these "communications problems?"

1. When approaching your partner, make it your goal to understand their perspective.  S/he will be much more likely to try to see your point of view if they feel listened to.

2.  Really listen to what they are saying; stop planning what you're going to say once they are finally finished.  Just be in the moment with your partner.

3.  If you feel your emotions intensifying, let your partner know.  This can be a cue to take a step back, re-establish a positive connection with your partner, and then continue.

4.  Some ways to re-establish a positive connection can be to hold hands, use humour, recall a discussion that went well, or simply sitting with each other.  It may be useful to discuss ways to re-establish connection prior to more serious discussions.

5.  If things get too emotionally intense, try to put the brakes on the conversation.  Reassure your partner that you are not trying to avoid the conversation, but delaying it until you are able to truly listen.

When we feel that we are being listened to and understood, it is much easier to use the communication skills that we have.  It is when we are feeling emotionally intense, that things tend to get challenging.  Establishing that emotional connection can make all the difference in communication.

Is Counselling for Me?

Counselling | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

If you’re on this website and reading this blog, you may be trying to figure out if counselling is something that you may want to try out.  First of all, welcome and thank you for taking the time to read this blog!  It is totally normal to be unsure about this whole therapy thing.  There are so many stereotypes, misinformation, and mystery about counselling and how it all works and whether it is the right choice.  I have had many clients confess that they had been debating whether to start therapy for years.  It is a big decision, and a very brave one. So how do you decide whether to give it a try?

Counselling may be the right choice for you If:

1. There is something in your life that is bothering you.  You may be feeling down.  You may be feeling anxious all the time.  You may be grieving a loss.  You may be having problems in your relationships.  You may have experienced a trauma and are having difficulties coping with it.  You may still be going to work, meeting your obligations, socializing, but something just doesn’t feel right.  I don’t decide whether something is “therapy worthy” – you do.
2. You want to feel better.  You want to get through a day (or hour, or minute) without feeling bad.
3. You feel ready to talk about what is bothering you.  You may not feel ready to talk about all of it just yet, but you’re feeling ready to start.  Only you can determine when you are ready.  It can’t be when your partner/parent/friend/child tells you that you should seek therapy.  If you’re not ready right now, that’s okay.  One day, you may be.
4. You are ready to work.  Being in therapy is hard work.  You will be acknowledging things in your life that are painful.  You will likely need to make some changes.  You will leave some sessions feeling like you’ve just run a marathon.  It will be hard at times.
5. You are ready to make the investment in yourself.  Being in therapy is a big commitment.  It takes time and money.  You will need to find a time to come to your appointment on a regular basis (most people begin coming on a weekly basis).  You will need to earmark money for your counselling.  If you are covered under benefits, you should look into the amount of coverage that you have and when your benefits are renewed.  Some people like to begin therapy at the end of the calendar year to use up the current year’s entitlement and move right into the new year’s entitlement.
6.  You aren’t looking for someone to tell you what to do.  It would be presumptuous of me to tell you how you should live your life.  My role is to help you look at your life from different perspectives, but ultimately, only you can decide what is best for you.  Despite the image of the therapist who tells you what to do (Dr. Phil, I’m looking at you), that is definitely not how things happen in therapy.
7. If you’re totally honest with yourself, your own well-being has been sorely neglected.  It is difficult to imagine having a whole hour that is dedicated just to you, your feelings, your experience (it may be even a bit overwhelming to think of all that attention devoted to you!).

Counselling may not be the right solution for everyone, but if the above resonates with you than that may be a sign that you’re ready to give it a shot.  It is totally normal to feel nervous.  It is totally normal to wonder whether counselling will make any difference at all.  Making that first appointment is a huge step.  Take a deep breath, pick up the phone, give us a call.  You can do this.

A Grief Like No Other: Surviving Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Grief Loss Miscarriage | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Your period is late.  You feel a little off, maybe a bit nauseous or you’re running to the bathroom all the time.  Something is up.  You go to the drugstore, pick up a pregnancy test and chug a litre of water.  You pee on the stick and then you wait.  Whether you were trying to get pregnant or this is a bit of a surprise, you feel an overwhelming wave of emotion that comes over you as the positive symbol appears on the test.  It’s official, you are pregnant.  If things go according to plan, in the next nine months (plus or minus a few weeks), there will be a new addition to your family.  You may start envisioning what your baby will look like.  You may start making plans around the due date.  You may buy a pregnancy book, or sign up for pregnancy update e-mails, or buy a cute onesie as a way of telling your partner.  The baby has already become a part of your life.

Unfortunately, for many women, things do not always go according to plan.

All too often, women will experience the horrifying knowledge that they are no longer pregnant and their baby is lost to them.  The pain of the loss is often compounded by the general silence around the experience of pregnancy and infant loss.  Society does not want to talk about it.  There is an unspoken code of silence that exists.   Women are left to suffer in silence, for fear of making others uncomfortable.  However, these losses are very real and deserve to be grieved.

If you were only a few weeks pregnant, you deserve to grieve.

If you had to make the devastating decision to terminate a pregnancy due to a medical condition, you deserve to grieve.

If you had a stillbirth and only held your infant for a few brief moments, you deserve to grieve.

If you have lost your baby, at any stage, in any manner, you deserve to grieve.

Grief can come in many forms.   You may want to wear a piece of jewelry that symbolizes your baby.  You may want to acknowledge your child’s birthday or the date of their loss each year.  You may need to spend some time away with your partner. There is no wrong or right way to grieve; you need to do what works for you.  The most important thing is to acknowledge how you are feelings; do not try to minimize, avoid or shame yourself out of your feelings.  Be prepared for the grief to come in waves.  It may be months or years since your loss, but the intensity of your grief may be triggered by an anniversary, a song, the cry of a new baby.  While the grief may become less intense, more tolerable, there may always be a sense of loss.

One of the most powerful healers can be talking about your loss.  Many women who have experienced a loss, such as miscarriage, find that talking will often open up a floodgate of women who have experienced something similar and are desperate to talk about it.  Considering that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage there is a good chance that someone you know has had a loss.  Today, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day.  Reach out.  Grieve your loss.  You are not alone in this.

Can I Be A Good Parent and Romantic Partner at the Same Time???

Parenting Partnership | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

I recently posted an article to our Facebook account about the impact of focusing on children on a romantic relationship (you can find the original article here).  This article really seemed to strike a chord with people, often with the painful acknowledgement that their relationship had been sorely neglected since the arrival of children.  Relationship satisfaction tends to dip (or sometimes plummet!) when a child arrives on the scene.  

How can you protect your relationship, while balancing the needs of a family?

1. View your romantic relationship as the foundation for your family.  Trying to raise emotionally healthy children while the parents’ relationship is suffering is kind of like trying to build your dream home on a foundation of quicksand.  Children thrive when they feel secure within their family units and part of that security comes from a healthy parental relationship.
2. Make spending time with your partner a priority, even if it means cutting back on activities for your kids.  There is an epidemic of over-scheduling our kids, while severely neglecting our own self-care.  Kids need the freedom to play, explore and just have down time.  While parents often feel guilt about scaling back activities, you are not doing your kids a disservice if they are not in activities every night!  They have a lifetime to learn and develop interests.  While they are off playing, make couple time a priority.  Ask your partner about their day, what is worrying them, what is making them happy.  These moments of connection are hugely beneficial for your relationship.
3. You and your partner are on the same team, even if you have differences in opinion.  Different philosophies towards parenting can create friction and disagreements in a relationship.  When you and your partner are feeling frustrated with each other, remind yourselves that you are both working together towards the same goal.  You both want well-adjusted, successful and happy kids, but may just different ideas on how to get there.  Reminding yourselves of this common goal can help you both feel less defensive, more co-operative and more open to hearing out the other’s perspective.
4. Don’t neglect physical intimacy.  While your sex life will undoubtedly be affected by parenthood, try to maintain affection within your relationship.  Hold hands, give hugs, make a point of kissing each other hello and good-bye.  This will also model to your kids the role of physical affection within a healthy relationship.
5. Don’t forget what first brought the two of you together.  While you’re slogging through the parenting trenches, it can be easy to forget your partner was once a very attractive, appealing human being!  Out of all the possible choices, you picked this person to be your partner.  Remind yourself what it was about this person that got you excited!  That person is still there, you may just need to look a bit harder to see them again.
6.  Envision what life will be like with your partner once your kids are grown and gone.  Will you have anything in common?  What activities would you like to do together?  What do you want your lives to look like during the empty nest phase?  Having goals and visions of the future can help us keep our relationships on track.  If we don’t put the effort into our relationships NOW, the likelihood of those visions coming true is relatively low.

As with all worthwhile endeavours, the secret to maintaining a strong romantic relationship while parenting is that the relationship needs to be made a priority.  It is so easy to lose sight of our partner for the person that they are when we are mostly seeing them as our co-parent.  However, by making our romantic relationship a priority, we are providing our kids with a healthy model of relationships, investing in the future of our relationship, and doing something that makes us feel good!  Your relationship is worth it.

What can I expect in therapy?

Counselling | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

In honour of National Psychotherapy Day, I would like to answer some common question that people have about therapy.  You may have never engaged in therapy, are wondering if it’s right for you or are simply curious about the process. Here are a few other questions and answers about therapy that may be helpful in determining whether therapy is a good choice for you:

What sort of issues do people come to therapy for?

The simple answer is that people present to therapy for any issue in their life that is causing them distress, confusion or suffering.  If there is some part of your life that is just not working the way you want it to, therapy can be beneficial in understanding  these challenges and finding ways to cope and overcome these.  Some of the reasons that people present to therapy can include (but are not limited to) feelings of depression, struggling with anxiety, unhappiness in relationships, work stress.  Some people have difficulties that are associated with specific events such as the birth of a child (ex. postpartum depression or anxiety) or have experienced a traumatic event.  The bottom line is there is no benchmark for whether a problem is “serious enough” for therapy.  If it is bothering you, if you want to talk about it and  you need help with it, therapy may be an appropriate option.

How do I find a therapist?

Once you decide to pursue therapy, how do you find someone that you can work with that can effectively help you with your concerns?  You may want to ask a trusted friend or family member if they know of anyone that they have had a positive experience with.  Your family physician may be a good source of information.  Of course, it cannot be ignored that many people do find their therapist online.  You can Google specific search terms and your location (ex. “depression treatment in London, Ontario”).  Read therapists’ websites to get a sense of their personality, training and whether they work with  people that have similar concerns as you.  The number one predictor of successful therapy is the fit between you and your therapist.  You need to feel comfortable with the person that you will be working with them.  Can you get a sense of them through their website and blog?  Do they have a social media presence that allows you to get familiarized with their philosophies, personalities and issues that they have expertise treating?  Call around and ask to speak to therapists so that you can get a sense of their personality and style.  Find out fees, schedules, location and make sure that it will work for you.  Even if you speak with someone and they aren’t quite the right fit for you, ask if they have any recommendations.  You need to find someone that works for you!

What happens in the first session?

So you’ve found a therapist and booked that first appointment.  Now what?  Most people are anxious prior to their first session.  You likely don’t know what to expect, what will happen, what you’ll talk about.  It is totally normal to feel anxious, I promise!   Give yourself some extra time prior to that first appointment so you can find the building, find parking, locate the office and settle into the waiting room.  There is nothing worse than having to rush when you’re already feeling anxious!  At the start of the first session, you will be asked to fill out some paperwork, including providing contact information, providing an emergency contact and reviewing policies.  Once the paperwork is out of the way, we can begin!  The goal of the first session is twofold 1) for me to gather information from you about your concerns, your situation and your goals for therapy and 2) for you to get a feel for what it might be like to work with me.  Again, fit is so critical in therapy and you need to feel good about the dynamic between you and your therapist.  Even if you get a feel for someone over the phone and through their website, it may not be until you are sitting across the room from each other that you can truly decide if this is the right person for you.  If you do feel that you can work with your chosen therapist, wonderful!  If you are not feeling comfortable or there is just something not quite right, it is so important that you try again with someone else.  We’re all humans, and sometimes we click and sometimes we don’t.  That’s okay, it just means that you may need to try with someone else.

What happens after the first session?

At the end of the first session, we will talk about some of the preliminary goals that you have and how we can work together to meet those goals.  Most people find it most beneficial to come in for sessions on a weekly basis initially.  This allows us to regularly work together and build momentum to helping you reduce your distress and reaching your goals.  Many people prefer to have a regular appointment time so that they can incorporate it into their schedule.  However, there can be some flexibility in appointment times if needed.  During the course of our work together, we will continually assess your progress, your setbacks, what is working for you in therapy, as well as what isn’t working.  Some sessions will leave you feeling energized and optimistic.  Other sessions may leave you feeling raw and exhausted.  Therapy can have its really tough moments as you learn more about yourself, your feelings, your perspectives, and your relationships.  However, I like to think of those tough moments as “pain with a purpose.”  These realizations can help you move forward towards the changes that you want to make.

When will I start to feel better?

Some people report feeling better right after the first session.  They feel listened to, understood and like they are finally addressing issues in their lives that may have been ignored for months (or years…..or decades!).  For some people it can take a few sessions to notice any real change in how they are feeling.  Again, there may be times when things feel worse, but it is important to hang in there and let your therapist know how you are doing.  Again, the goal of therapy is for you to eventually feel better, make changes that you feel are important to make and live the type of life that you want to live.

Deciding to engage in therapy is a brave decision.  You are acknowledging that things aren’t how you want them to be and that you need help.  It is totally normal to feel nervous or overwhelmed when trying to decide whether therapy is the right choice for you.  However, how could life be different for you if you took the plunge?