In part 2 of this series, I focused on several tips and strategies to reduce anxiety and distress during social distancing, self-isolation, or quarantine linked to Covid-19. However, I want to acknowledge that some or all of these strategies may be difficult if there is tension, turmoil, or conflict occurring between some or all of the people who are in isolation together. Compulsory gatherings can be opportunities for bonding and solidarity, but (as many of us know from past Thanksgiving dinners, weddings, or family reunions) they can also produce sparks that ignite powder-kegs of underlying tensions or animosity.

It could be that you are already having marital or intimate relationship problems and are dreading the prospect of spending two weeks cooped up with an angry, distant, or even abusive partner. Or perhaps you are quarantined with your quarreling roommates or camped out with family members who don’t get along well at the best of times.

There are some strategies that may be useful in surviving these situations.

Shared positive activities - Using some of the suggestions in Part Two of this series, you can attempt to diffuse tensions by encouraging positive shared activities that foster group cohesion and solidarity. Collaborative projects, games, and activities may reduce tensions and provide opportunities for bonding and repairing hurt feelings. However, be mindful of your own, and your companions’, personalities when suggesting these. For example, if you are quarantined with your hyper-competitive uncle and his highly sensitive son, perhaps avoid playing Monopoly, and instead suggest a collaborative or cooperative activity such as a puzzle, a home-improvement project, or a cooperative video game. On the other hand, if your family thrives on competition but tends to squabble when attempting group projects, that game of Monopoly may be a better option.
Creating your own space - When tensions are high, it is important to create your own safe space, somewhere you can retreat to regulate and process your emotions, to think through disagreements, and to rest and recover when you are feeling overwhelmed. If you have your own bedroom, office, or another personal space where you can be alone, use this to create a sanctuary for yourself, where you can surround yourself with comforting objects, activities, and distractions that take you away from conflict. If you don’t have a lock, consider investing in one to protect your privacy.
If you are unable to create a space where you can be alone, you can create safe spaces through other means as well – headphones, earplugs, and spa masks can be used to reduce your sensory exposure when you are overwhelmed by arguing, tension, or even noisy or rambunctious children. You may also be able to go on long drives, or find quiet walking paths, to create solitude – or take refuge at a friend’s house if neither of you are symptomatic.
Setting boundaries - This is related to the point about safe space but extends to verbal and physical interactions with others as well. Check in with yourself about your limits and take note of when you are getting overwhelmed by your interactions with others. If you feel your temperature starting to rise, give yourself permission to walk away (if you are able to), or indicate that you need to disengage from the situation to calm down.
Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself as much as everyone else, and not to overextend yourself with caregiving and chores when others are capable of doing some of the work. You are allowed to take time alone, and you are allowed to rest.
Communicating your needs - Sometimes tensions can arise when people struggle with being direct or assertive about their needs. This, again, requires checking in with yourself, and asking yourself what do I need right now? If the answer involves another person, be clear and direct in telling them what you need from them.
Avoid confrontational language, name-calling, or making assumptions about others’ motives, and stick closely to the message (e.g. “I really need to be alone right now, I will come back later and we can talk then.”). When communicating needs and boundaries, it also helps to use statements instead of requests, as requests often invite argument or refusal (e.g., “I really need quiet right now, please put on headphones to listen to that.” vs “Would you mind putting on your headphones?”).
Getting help - It may be that the level of conflict you are experiencing make these strategies very difficult to use. These situations can be very complex and distressing, and you may benefit from professional support. At London Psychological Services, we will be offering videoconference appointments (including couple therapy) to clients who are in self-isolation or quarantine.