How to Change Your Partner in 5 Easy Steps

how to change your partner

Sorry, this title is total click bait! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but trying to get another grown human being to change is kind of like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube; messy, frustrating and pretty much impossible.

Think about how challenging it is to change your own behaviours, when you have total control.

Now think about how challenging it is to change someone else's behaviours, when you have zero control.

Told ya; like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube.

So what can you do when your partner is doing things that are frustrating you, letting you down or just plain making you mad?

  1. If you don't understand their behaviour ask about it in a non-judgemental, curious manner. This empathic approach will be more likely to set the stage for real connection rather than your partner feeling defensive.
  2. Change your own behaviour. If you want your partner to do more around the house, but then criticize them for not doing it "your way" it is unlikely that they will want to try again. Our own behaviours can help shape the behaviours of others.
  3. Accept that you are two different people, with different goals, priorities and ways of thinking about things. The goal of a relationship is not to become the exact same, but rather supporting each other in growing as individuals.
  4. Accept your partner for you they are, flaws and all. Focus on the positive traits that drew you to them in the first place rather than the things that bother you.
  5.  If your partner's behaviour is truly a deal breaker for you, you need to let them know.....but also be ready to end the relationship if a change does not occur. 

Relationships can be loaded with unrealistic expectations about who are partner should be. These expectations can cause a lot of distress for you and your partner.

There is a reason that you picked your partner. What were those rather than what you want to change?