Postpartum Anxiety; Why Should Postpartum Depression Get all the Attention?

Postpartum Anxiety | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

While it’s definitely not perfect, there is some level of awareness and attention that is paid to postpartum depression.  You may be asked by your midwife or doula about feeling sad or tearful.  People may hesitantly ask how your mood is, whether you have been feeling okay.  Postpartum anxiety, however, gets mostly ignored.  However, it can be just as common and definitely just as distressing, as postpartum depression.  Let’s yank postpartum anxiety out of the shadows!

Postpartum Anxiety Symptoms

You worry about everything.   Is your baby too hot? Is your baby too cold? Is he eating enough? Not enough?  Has she been sleeping too long? Should you wake you her up? What if you do wake her, then what?

It feels like your mind can’t stop.  One worry feeds off the other worry, which then triggers another worry, and then you find even more stuff to worry about.

Since your mind can’t stop, it is difficult for your body to stop. You are fluttering around, cleaning things, straightening, things, reorganizing, folding hundreds of baby wash cloths.  You are not getting any sense of achievement from these activities; it almost feels like you are compelled to do them.

You are exhausted. Sure, your baby is keeping you from getting solid sleep, but you’re struggling with sleep even when the baby is sleeping.  You lie down and your mind starts to race. You feel overwhelmed and suddenly it feels like you need to get out of bed NOW.

You may start to have some pretty disturbing thoughts. These thoughts terrify you and you know that you would never want to act on them, but you just can’t make the thoughts stop.

You may be scared that you shouldn’t be with the baby alone.  You worry that you aren’t a good mother, that you shouldn’t be trusted to take care of your child.  You are filled with dread when your partner leaves the house and desperately want them to stay home with you.

You may not identify it as anxiety, but you know that you feel off.  It feels like there is something wrong, and you’re not sure what it is.

You may be experiencing physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, feeling jittery. It feels like you’ve had too much caffeine (psst, which actually may be true if you’ve been trying to cope with the exhaustion with coffee or tea)

You don’t even know how to explain how you feel; you just know that it sucks and you really don’t want to feel like this.

You may experience some or all of these symptoms.  You may start feeling these symptoms during pregnancy and up to 12 months after having your child.  If you have these symptoms, it does not mean that you are weak, or not cut out to be a mom, or destined to feel like this for the rest of your life.  It just means that you need help.  It means that you are struggling.  Counselling may help.  Please contact me if you are worried. 

Anger After Baby: The One Feeling that No One Wants to Talk About

Postpartum Anger | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Rage.

Anger.

Frustration. 

These are not the typical emotions we think of when we think of having a baby.  But they happen. They can actually happen for many women.  But no one is talking about it, and for lots of good reasons.  We don’t want to be judged. We feel that we’re doing something wrong. We’re scared that someone will call child services on us if we admit just how angry we are. We have no idea what is happening to us and it is so freaking scary.

Breathe.

There may be many reasons why you are feeling angry.

1)      Lack of sleep.  Having a baby automatically means that you are getting way less sleep than you need, every night for months on end. When we are tired we are much more likely to feel irritable, especially when we know there’s no end in sight to the sleeplessness.  There may be a few ways to get additional sleep, like sleeping when the baby sleeps or having a partner get up with the baby. However, sometimes it can be so hard to actually implement these strategies depending on your circumstances. Make sleep as much of a priority as you can.

2)      Lack of control. Many of the women that I work with in my London, Ontario counselling practice who struggle with anger eventually fess up to one common trait; they like to have control. Pre-baby, they had plans and expectations for their lives. Usually they were able to make things happen when they wanted them to.  Know a good way of messing that up? Have a baby.  A baby doesn’t care that you have a plan. Sometimes it feels like your baby is actually messing up with your plan on purpose. You’re looking forward to naptime because that is the one chance that you get to sit down and just veg. Your baby has napped at this specific time for weeks. It is the highlight of your day. Boom, your baby is awake, crying and in no mood for a nap today.  Hello, anger.

3)      Lack of support. After the initial wave of visitors quiets down, having a baby can be quite isolating. Your normal routine is turned upside down, making it difficult to see friends. Going on maternity leave usually means no longer seeing co-workers. It can be really lonely, which then can turn into frustration. Why didn’t anyone tell me that it was going to be like this? Why does my partner get to leave the house everyday and leave me here, all alone? We can start to feel isolated which can lead to anger.

4)      Lack of self-care. When you have had a baby, there may be both limited times and resources for things that you previously did as a way to re-energize.  You are busy feeding, changing, swaddling, burping, soothing and keeping this other human being alive. Who has time for a yoga class?

5)      Lack of your pre-baby identity. During my maternity leave, I would sometimes look in the mirror and be stunned at what I saw. Looking back at me, was this tired, disheveled woman, often wearing a black, spit-up encrusted hoodie.  It was hard to imagine that underneath all that still existed the wife, friend, psychologist and much better groomed version of myself.  This can be enraging. We work so hard to create a life that works for us, and having a baby can make it feel like it’s all been lost (or at least hidden really well).

While anger can be common and very understandable, we don’t want to be consumed by the anger. It can make us feel so guilty and bad about ourselves. It can steal the joy from a really amazing transition. Sometimes anger can be a symptom of postpartum depression. If you feel that the anger is there too often, or it feels really intense, or it’s impacting your ability to bond your with your baby, please reach out.  Let’s tackle the anger head on.

Why Trying to be "Strong" Is Making You Miserable

Resilience | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

I’m not sure when it happened, but we’ve all been duped. We have been told that being “strong” is something that we should be striving for. “She’s so strong” is the highest form of praise. Now if you mean “she’s so strong, she can squat 200 lbs”, then yes!  Correct use of strong! If you mean, “she’s so strong because she never seems to be fazed, never seems to have an emotional reaction, doesn’t cry at funerals” then maybe we need to start re-evaluating what “strong” means. One of the most common phrases I hear in my therapy office is “I should be stronger.” When I dig into what it means to be “stronger” the overwhelming majority actually mean:

“I don’t want to feel a normal, understandable, uncomfortable human emotion to something stressful in my life.” 

We have been conditioned to believe that having emotional responses is a bad thing, when actually emotional responses are highly adaptive.  We are born with a full and complete set of emotions.  We may differ in temperament (early on, you can often tell who the chill baby is versus the one that’s a bit more high strung), but the basic emotions are the same.  These emotions are a gift.  They allow us to connect with other people.  They drive behavior that is protective (ex. Run into a bear, feel fear, run!). Emotions can be messages that things we are doing aren’t good or healthy for us.  Emotions, even the most uncomfortable and intense, can be useful.

Somehow along the way though, we have been conditioned to view emotional responses as some sort of personality flaw.  Actually, we view *negative* emotional responses as being weak.  Be happy, be pleasant, say that you’re fine through clenched teeth, but never, ever admit to struggling.

This is crap.

This is not being strong.

This is emotional avoidance and it is not good.

When we try to avoid, ignore, deny or squish down our feelings, we are interfering with the emotional system. Just because we pretend that the feeling is not there, this does not mean it just disappears.  They come out some way.  Maybe you start feeling physical symptoms like headaches or stomach upset.  You may start feeling anxious or on the verge of tears all the time, even if there is no clear trigger.  You may keep it together most of the time, but occasionally explode at the smallest provocation (road rage, anyone?).  You may have a hard time falling or staying asleep.  Our emotional system is annoyingly brilliant; there is no way to trick it.

On the other hand, healthy emotional expression does not mean that we can throw a tantrum at the slightest disappointment.  Emotional health requires a healthy dose of emotional regulation.  We need to learn how to self-soothe when we are distressed.  We do need to sometimes delay our emotional expression (delay, not avoid completely!).  We don’t need to tell everyone our most inner struggles.  We do need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings, stop the avoidance, the judgment, the criticism.  Your feelings are there for a reason.  Not sure what those reasons are anymore? That’s probably a sign that there’s been a bit of emotional interference going on and we’ve got some work to do to realign things. Let’s ditch the “strong” myth and start getting real about our feelings. 

Going on too many Guilt Trips? 5 Steps to Get Off the Guilt Train

Guilt | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Guilt is my least favorite emotion.  I know, I know, all feelings have purpose and meaning, but guilt is truly awful.  It makes you agree to things that you really don’t want to do so that you can avoid feeling guilty.  It can breed resentment.  It can make you feel ashamed.  It can make you angry.  Basically guilt is one of those feelings where it’s hard to see the positive. However, guilt does have a purpose. 

Guilt is the response to feeling that we have done something wrong.  However, how do we determine whether something is truly wrong?  There are some things that we can universally agree are wrong.  If you kill someone, you should feel guilty.  You have done something that  is wrong.  However, most of the time, things aren’t necessarily this black or white.  Often, we feel guilty over things that actually aren’t wrong at all.  Sometimes we have defined things as wrong for ourselves.  Sometimes other people have defined something as wrong for us.  We may hold on to these beliefs about right or wrong without even knowing that we believe them!  So, how do we start chipping away at the guilt angst?

Step 1:  When you start feeling guilty, do not act on it.  Do not say yes to make the guilt go away.  Do not try to push the guilt away.  Do not fall into a pit of self-criticism.  Just sit with the guilt.  

Step 2: Figure out what triggered the guilt.  Was it a direct request of you? Was it an implied expectation?  Was it a passive-aggressive criticism?  Was it your own thoughts?

Step 3:  When you have identified the trigger, define why it feels wrong.  Who has defined this as wrong? You may have unrealistic expectations of yourself and not living up to them creates guilt.  Other people may have defined things as wrong, but it’s just a way for them to get their own needs met.  This step can be really tricky and you may need some help with this one.  Sometimes it can be hard to be objective about the expectations we place on ourselves and expectations that others place on us.  This can often be a focus during therapy.

Step 4: Assess your own needs.  Often we do things out of guilt because we want to meet the needs of others, but totally ignore our own in the process.  Are your own needs and the expectations placed on you aligned?

Step 5: Identify other possible responses rather than just giving in to the guilt.

 An illustration of our five step guilt plan:

You have just had a baby.  Your baby is colicky and cries for hours on end.  You are not sleeping, you are barely functional.  You receive an e-mail from an older family member who really wants to see you and meet the baby.  They think it would be a fabulous idea for you to trek out to their place, which happens to be two hours away.  This person has a tendency to make remarks about family responsibilities and the importance of making an effort to stay connected with family. Your immediate internal response is “heck no!”.....and then the guilt sets in.  What will they think if you say no? You’re off of work anyway, why can’t you go? What if they tell other family members that they haven’t met the baby and it’s all your fault?  Why should you drive all the way out there? Because that’s what nice people do.....guilt, guilt, guilt.

Step 1: STOP.  Hello guilt, my old friend.  Nice of you to stop to by for a visit, let’s hang.

Step 2: Trigger – request from another person to do something  that feels really, really hard. 

Step 3:  Is saying no to the request WRONG?

                Is there something wrong in turning down an invitation? 

                Is it wrong to potentially disappoint another person?  

                Does saying no to the request make you a bad family member?

Step 4:  You are exhausted, overwhelmed and need to do the bare minimum (other than keeping another human being alive).  A long drive and visit is not manageable for you.

Step 5:  Provide an alternate plan to your family member; “We would love to see you but driving that long is really not doable right now.  You are more than welcome to visit us at home.”   

Easy, right?!?  Ha, not so much! I wish that guilt could be banished this easily but that would not be a realistic expectation.  Our guilt is often tied to core beliefs that we have about ourselves, others and our relationships.  These can’t simply be broken through in 5 easy steps.  However, these steps may help you start developing an awareness of how you can start to change your relationship with guilt.  If you think that this is an area that you would like further help with, please get in touch.  I would love to help you turn down the ticket to your next guilt trip.

6 Reasons Why We Suck at Self-Care and How to Break Through the Obstacles

Self-care | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Self-care gets a lot of attention.  We know it’s important. We know that making time for ourselves should be a regular part of our routine.  We know that the wheels start coming off when we don’t do it.  And yet, it can be such a struggle!  As a psychologist, I know the importance of self-care.  I talk to everyone that I work with about the importance of self-care. I even have a board on Pinterest that is dedicated to self-care.  But here’s the truth – even I struggle with making it a priority.  Why do we have such a hard time with incorporating enjoyable, rejuvenating and fun activities into our lives? 

Here are 6 reasons why we suck at self-care and how we can start making it a priority:

Reason 1:  It’s not even on our radar.  In theory we know that self-care is a good thing, but we don’t actually put it on our own priority list.  It doesn't actually occur to us that this is something we need.

Solution:  Put it on your to-list, on the family calendar, in your phone schedule.  We are more likely to do something if we write it down.  Bold it, underline it, highlight it.  Make self-care stare you in the face!

Reason 2:  We feel guilty about taking time away from our family or work .  It feels indulgent to do something that is just for us.

Solution:  Guilt is a tricky one.  It is the response to feeling that we are doing something wrong.  Is taking care of yourself wrong?  Of course not!  In fact, you need to be well taken care of in order to take care of everyone else (i.e. put on your own oxygen mask before helping others put on theirs).  We may have very real restrictions on our time, but sometimes it’s not about finding time, it’s about making the time. 

Reason 3:  We have unrealistic ideas about what self-care should be.  A lot of advice about self-care include similar suggestions; yoga, meditation, going on a long hike.  These are great suggestions, but not necessarily for everyone.  I remember when I tried to take up meditation; it was a disaster.  I was warned that the monkeys in my brain would be active and I just needed to observe non-judgementally.  However, no one warned me that my monkeys would throw poop!  It was not a good fit for me.

Solution:  Self-care does not have to be fancy, complicated or take a lot of time.  It just needs to feel good!  Have a dance party in your kitchen.   Grab a colouring book and some pencil crayons.  Read some really fluffy chick lit.  Self-care does not have to be a spiritual journey! 

Reason 4:  We have unrealistic expectations about what self-care will do for us.

Solution:  Self-care is not a quick fix for all that ails you.  We need to maintain a regular self-care routine especially if we are feeling really stressed.  It is unrealistic to expect that a few minutes of an enjoyable activity is going to make a huge difference; however, over time, it may.  

Reason 5:  We wait for motivation to strike.  Once the motivation appears, we'll totally do it!

Solution: Um, no.  If we sit around waiting for motivation to magically appear and grace us with its presence, we could be waiting for a very, very long time.  Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to do something.  As the brilliant ad executives at Nike told us, "Just Do It."

Reason 6:  We mistake zoning out for self-care.

Solution: I love binge watching a show on Netflix as well, so definitely no judgement!  However, plopping in front of the TV for hours on end isn't necessarily self-care.  We get to escape and not do anything for awhile, but is it really recharging?  We need to balance our screen time (computers and tablets included) with activities that we actually have to engage with.

It can be really challenging to incorporate self-care into our lives, but it is so, so important.  Start small, with just a few minutes at a time, and see what happens for you.  It may take a few tries to find something that is a good fit for you.  It will be worth it though!  

Do I Worry Too Much? 9 Signs that Your Worry is Excessive

Stress Anxiety Worry | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

It can be hard to figure out what a “normal” level of worrying is, especially if worry is a regular part of your life.  You may describe yourself as a “worrier”, or know that you come from a long line of “worriers” or other people may tell you that you worry too much.  But how do you really know if you worry too much? 

How can you differentiate between regular worry and anxiety that may be impacting your quality of life? 

1.       You worry about everything.  Health, finances, job, your kids, your relationship, vacations, your house; nothing is safe from the possibility of worry.  You may not worry about everything all at once, but there is a constant hum of possible worries.  You even worry about things that are supposed to be relaxing or enjoyable (Am I doing yoga right? Do I feel how I’m supposed to be feeling? Gah, I can’t even get zen right!). 

2.       You worry most of the time.  You may have moments of calm, but for the most part, you’re worrying about something the majority of your waking hours.

3.       You have a plan for the worst case scenario, even though the probability of it happening is pretty slim.  You may even have contingency plans for multiple worst case scenarios!

4.       You experience physical symptoms that flare up during times of stress, including tummy upset or headaches.

5.       You have a hard time just being in the present moment.  Your mind is constantly going and it’s tough to just sit and be.

6.       You plan, plan, plan and sometimes it feels that you’ve planned the fun out of things that are supposed to be enjoyable.  Upcoming vacations?  Between making packing lists, researching accommodations and activities, keeping passports and tickets organized, you are exhausted!  By the time the vacation rolls around you’ve lost your enthusiasm for it or you’re already planning the next thing.

7.       You’re constantly thinking about “the next phase.”  It could be getting married, buying a house, having children, finishing your degree, the next promotion.  Rather than just living in your current circumstances, you’re always looking ahead to the next thing.  While it’s good to have goals and plans, this way of thinking can suck all the enjoyment out of the present moment.

8.       Your sleep is being affected by worry.  You may be having a hard time falling asleep because of the worries racing through your mind or you’re waking up feeling panicked in the middle of the night.  The worry is a constant companion.

9.       Your behaviour is being impacted by the worry.  You may avoid certain activities because the anxiety is too high.  You may be having a hard time initiating an activity because you’re worried about the potential outcomes.  The worry is interfering with the things you want to do.

If any of these points resonate, you may actually be worrying too much. It may be hard to imagine, but it is possible to not constantly be in a state of anxiety.  Know a fellow worrier?  Share this blog post with them.  

Know a New Mom? 10 Things You Can Do To Support Her

Supporting New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

New moms, whether she is a first time mom or fourth time mom, whether she is single or has a partner, whether she has given birth or adopted, all have one thing in common; she needs help.  However, most new moms don’t ask for help.  She may feel that she doesn’t want to burden other people, or feels awkward about asking for specific types of help, or truly feels that she should be able to do it all on their own.  However, receiving both practical and emotional support, can make a huge difference for a new mom and her emotional well-being.  

Here are a few ways that may help the new mom in your life;

1.  Bring her a home cooked meal.  Most thoughts about feeding centre around feeding the baby; “Is the baby nursing enough?”, “How do I work this breastpump?”, “Should I mix my own formula, or splurge on ready-to-serve?”  Regardless of how mom is feeding her baby, she probably hasn’t given a lot of thought to feeding herself.  Bringing a home cooked meal (double the batch, so there’s left-overs!) can feel like love in a casserole dish.

2.  Offer to take the baby for a walk so that she can rest.  This is a relatively low key-way to take the baby (and siblings if applicable) without a lot of pre-planning.  Bundle baby up in a stroller and off you go.  This will give mom the rare chance to be home alone and do things like shower, rest, or just sit on the couch and savour the solitude.  You’ll also get some exercise, so it’s a win-win for everyone!

3.  Ask her how she is feeling.  How is she feeling physically?  How is she feeling emotionally?  Don’t make any assumptions, just let her share her experience.  Really listen to her.  Often new moms have the unrealistic expectation that they are supposed to bounce back to pre-baby condition in 6 weeks flat or that they are supposed to love every moment of this new experience.  Reassure her that it’s totally normal if she is not feeling that way.

4.  Share with her if you had struggles in motherhood.  New moms can feel very isolated and disconnected from others after the arrival of a baby.  They may struggle with baby blues and up to 20% will develop postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression.  By sharing your own experience, this can help a new mom feel that she is not alone.  If she has concerns about her mood, encourage her to talk to a health professional.  Feel free to print and share 10 Things to Know about Postpartum Depression or 10 Things to Know about Postpartum Anxiety  if she is experiencing worries or feelings of depression

5.  Send a housecleaner.  Who can argue with clean toilets, vacuumed floors, and made beds?

6.  Bring her groceries, including lots of quick and healthy snacks.  Going to the grocery store with a new baby can feeling like scaling Mount Everest in flip-flops.  Bring her lots of staples, like milk, bread, eggs and quick and easy snacks.

7.  Make a list of “mommy and me” classes available in the community.  Connecting with other new moms can have a huge impact on a mom’s well-being.  She may not have the time or energy to Google available classes in her community so a ready-made list can make the task of getting out and meeting other moms that much easier.

8.  Encourage her to trust her instincts.  The world is filled with advice about babies and how to raise them.  Unfortunately, that advice is often completely conflicting and contradictory.  Co-sleep.  Don’t co-sleep.  Swaddle.  Don’t swaddle.  Don’t let them sleep in a bouncy chair.  Let them sleep anywhere that they will actually sleep.  She may feel completely overwhelmed with the onslaught of advice.  Encourage her to do what feels right for her and her baby.  Let her know that it’s okay to try things out, change her mind, and that every baby is different.  She can do this!

9.  Fold the laundry.  She will look at those hundreds of beautifully folded washcloths, think of you and smile.

10.  Check in on her regularly.  The rush of visitors and well-wishers often dies down after the first few weeks.  Make sure to maintain contact on a regular basis.  Ask her if she prefers notice before dropping by or if it’s okay to pop in.  Keep asking how she is feeling.  Postpartum depression and anxiety can develop months after having a baby.  She may need additional support during various stages of this new transition for her (babies have a way of changing things up once we feel that we’ve finally figured it all out!).

Never underestimate the impact of providing support to a new mom. Take care of her so that can take care of her new child.

How to Survive Motherhood In One Piece

Burnout New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Okay, I admit it, the title of this blog is a bit melodramatic but my guess is that many moms have had the thought; “how am I going to survive motherhood in one piece?”  Being a parent is hard work, and it can feel that by the time your children are grown and out of the house, you may only be a watered down version of the fabulous woman you used to be.  This does not need to be the case!  

How can you manage when you’re in the mothering trenches?

• Keep the judgement to a minimum. It is human nature to judge both ourselves and others, so it may be a lofty goal to eliminate all judgement, but let’s try to at least dial it down a tad.  We can be so hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to parenting.  There will be times when we make mistakes with our kids, there will be times when we’ll have no idea what we’re doing, and then there will be times when we absolutely lose it.  That’s okay, that’s what makes us human.  Show yourself some compassion when you’ve made a mistake.  Let’s also extend that same non-judgemental compassion to other moms.  We are all in this boat together and judging each other is not a great or helpful way to spending our time.  The next time you see a mom at the grocery store and her kid is freaking out, shoot her a knowing smile or even say “I’ve been there.”  You will make her day.
• Spend more time with your own friends. Part of our job description as moms is to help our children thrive socially.  We take them to playdates, host playdates, get the scoop on their friendships at school and hope that they are forming healthy relationships.  In all of this, we may start neglecting our own friendships which can be so detrimental to our own well-being.  We need our friends, their support, the laughter and the sense of camaraderie.  I know, the last thing you want to do after the kids have gone to bed is to head out into the world to grab a drink with a girlfriend.  Trust me though, you need to, you will enjoy it when you get there, and your future self will thank you.
• Invest time and effort into your romantic relationship. See that person sitting across from you at the dinner table?  Remember when you got butterflies just thinking about the next time that you would see them?   Remember how exciting the prospect of spending the rest of your life with them was?  You picked this person for a reason, and yes sometimes it can be hard to see them as anything other than a co-parent right now, but the person you love is still there.  Hang out with them.  Make sure to carve out time where you talk about things that have nothing to do with the kids.  Invest the effort now so that once the kids left you aren’t left looking at each other and thinking “now what?”
• Integrate “mom” into your identity rather than making it your entire identity. We all have an “identity pie” with various slices making up the whole of the pie.  Take stock of what makes up your identity pie.  It’s perfectly understandable that the “mom” slice may be the biggest slice right now, but you want to ensure that you continue to incorporate other slices into the pie, whether it be your professional identity, your hobbies, your passion for fitness, your interests.
• Self-care, self-care, self-care. I know, you’ve heard this one a million times and it can get a little old.  I hear from women all the time that they don’t have the time, or aren’t sure what to do, or that it doesn’t actually work all that well.  I think the most important thing about self-care is that you find something that you actually enjoy rather than just picking something from a list.  If you pick something that isn’t a good fit, it can actually backfire.  I know that many people benefit greatly from meditation and it can be a core part of someone’s self-care routine; however, for me, it is pure and utter torture.  It feels unnatural to me to be that still and quiet, so it’s not good self-care for me.  Find something that does work for you.
• Know the signs that you are starting to feel burnt out. Many of us will push through feeling stressed and overwhelmed, because sometimes we just have no choice.  However, we will often ignore signs that maybe we are stretched too thin.  Many times women will end up in my office because they have ignored their own warning signs and now things feel pretty terrible; they feel emotionally and physically exhausted, their romantic relationship feels strained and unsatisfying, previous ways of coping are no longer working, things feels out of control and they barely recognize the woman in the mirror looking back at them.  While it’s definitely possible to emerge from this bleakness, it’s probably a better idea to not get there in the first place.  What are some of your signs that you are heading to Burnt Out Town, Population: You?  Do you feel snappy and irritated a lot of the time? Are you spending way too much time on the couch?  Do you feel that you’re just going through the motions without a feeling of connection or enjoyment to anything?

Once you know your signs, do something about it! Ignoring your stress warning signs is kind of like ignoring the rotting lettuce in your vegetable drawer.  Yes, you really don’t want to do it now, but leave it long enough and it will become a liquefied, stinky mess  (the lettuce, not you ;).  Figure out what will bring your stress levels down to a more manageable levels; getting together with friends, watching a silly movie, getting a pedicure.  Or maybe it’s a sign that more significant changes need to made.  Maybe home responsibilities need to be reorganized.  Maybe you need to make some changes to your schedule.  Maybe you need some quality time just hanging out with your kids.  Find what works for you.

There will always be moments in your parenting journey that will make you want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head and not come out for a week.  That’s okay, that’s part of the gig.  However, you can do this, and even thrive while doing so!  Hop over to our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/londonpsychologicalservices) for Motherhood March, for more articles, discussions and information about being a mom and our emotional health.

Dear New Mom

New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Dear New Mom,

First off, you are amazing.  You have invited another human being into your life probably without much consideration for your own comfort or the changes to your life this new person will bring.  You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the changes that are happening in your life, and that’s okay; it is overwhelming!  Here are a few points to keep in mind when transitioning to this new phase in your life.

Get ready for intense highs and lows.  You have probably seen those photos of the serene mother, holding her peacefully sleeping child, and she looks well rested and fabulous.  Those moments may happen; enjoy and savour them.  There will also be moments where you are pacing the hallways, holding your screaming child at 3:00 a.m., and you can’t even remember the last time you showered.  Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.  You will go from the depths of despair to pure bliss, and that is totally normal.  It’s exhausting, confusing and probably not what you were expecting, but normal.

Start building your village.  I know that the saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” but I think it’s more accurate to say that it takes a village to support a new mom.  Start finding members of your village at a stroller fit class, at the park in your neighbourhood, amongst old friends that you have lost contact with but are now in similar life phases.  It may feel a little awkward and uncomfortable to put yourself out there, but it will be worth it.

Ask for help.  This one can be a hard one, especially if you’ve been used to being pretty self-sufficient up until this point.  However, this is a new frontier and help is no longer optional.  It is mandatory for your well-being.  If you’re not sure what you even need help with, check out this list.  Feel free to make numerous copies, highlight what appeals to you, and distribute among your family and friends. People want to help, but may be at a loss at what to do specifically for you.

Grieve your old life.  You have just said good-bye to a version of your life that did not include another human being that needs you for almost everything at this point.  Gone are the days when you can just hop in the car and run an errand without planning and forethought.  You need to consider feeding times, naps, and without fail, your child will poop the minute you strap them into the car seat.  It is totally normal to long for easier times.  It’s okay to feel sad that your social outings now begin at 9:00 a.m rather than 9:00 p.m.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child, it just means that you’re a normal human being.

Accept that mistakes are part of the process.  Remember when you were first starting to drive?  Remember when you first pressed on the gas pedal too hard, lurching you and your terrified instructor so hard that you thought you had whiplash?  Well, there’s lots of those moments in motherhood.  You can read tons of books, talk to other mothers, and have all sorts of expectations about the type of parent that you will be, but there will be blunders along the way.  These mistakes will help you learn, they will shape the type of parent you will be.  Plus, they are great resilience building exercises for your child!

Be cautious in taking advice.  Most people are well intentioned, and do genuinely want to help you.  However, they don’t necessarily know what works for you and your child.  There is so much contradictory information out there and it can be really hard to make sense of it all.  Sometimes you won’t be able to make sense of any of it.  Sometimes you will need to trust yourself and fly by the seat of your pants.  Sometimes you will need to turn to others for help and advice.  Choose those people wisely, and feel free to revise that list if it’s not working for you.

Spend some time with your pre-mom self.  Just because you have a child does not mean that you have lost every other part of your identity.  Those parts may get a bit neglected, but they are still there.  Remember the things that you felt passionate about and enjoyed doing.  Even if you can no longer immerse yourself in those things right, keep the flames stoked.   “Mom” will need to be integrated into your identity, but it does not have to be your entire identity.

Lastly, new mom, I hope that you show yourself compassion and patience.  This is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, transitions in life.  There will be moments where you will feel overwhelmed, unhappy, exhausted, and utterly defeated.  There will also be moments where you feel blissful, grateful, and totally enthralled with the new person in your life and your new role.  All of these experiences are part of the package.  Don't beat yourself up when you feel less than thrilled.  Acknowledge that this is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Sincerely,

All of the moms that have gone before you and want to help and support you.

Know a new mom?  Please share this post with her.

Defeat Depression, London, Ontario

February 28, 2015 will be the first annual walk and talk for Defeat Depression London.  This walk is meant to raise awareness about depression and mental health.  Funds are also being raised in support of the London and District Distress Centre and Connect for Mental Health.  This is an incredible event and there is still time to participate or make a donation to one of the teams. I was very honoured to be asked to write a guest post about depression and the stigma around it.  Feel free to read it here.   Together we can all help end stigma around mental health.  It affects us all.