Let's Stop Being Awkward about Infertility and Miscarriage

Infertility Miscarriage | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Dear society,

We have some work to do. There are so many things we need to work on, but today I want to work on how we deal with infertility and pregnancy loss. 

Because for the most part, we suck.  We suck in how we treat ourselves and others when it comes to these really sucky, heart breaking, monumental situations.

When it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss, we become inept, socially awkward, hot messes. Or we just keep it all to ourselves, and shame and guilt ourselves for something that is completely out of our control. Or we just avoid the topic all together.

This needs to change.

So let’s start with the basics.

Infertility and Miscarriage is Common

For many women, infertility and pregnancy loss is a part of our reality. Statistics indicate that 1 in 6 couples experience difficulties conceiving and approximately 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. These are not infrequent events. Add in the additional traumas of later term pregnancy losses, terminating due to medical conditions and stillbirths, there are a lot of women who have had fertility related complications.

This is a lot of women.

You likely know a woman who has experienced a fertility related complication or you are a woman who has experienced one.

This is not some super rare, 1 in a bajillion chance, condition. This is happening to a lot of us.

Despite the regularity of these situations, we are super uncomfortable talking about them. We are super uncomfortable talking about them if they are happening to us and we are super uncomfortable talking to people who are going through them.

What gives?

It's Uncomfortable to Talk about Fertility

For many of us, fertility is considered a pretty private thing. I get that. You’re probably not going around announcing that you’ll be bedding your honey on Tuesday, because that’s when you’re ovulating. Good boundaries! I appreciate being spared the visual.

However, when our fertility journey hits a bump, a lot of that privacy feels stripped away.  All of a sudden we may find ourselves talking to a team of medical professionals about our sex life. People are checking out our uteruses, fallopian tubes, and all other previously private parts. A highly emotionally charged part of your life is being boiled down to scary statistics and complicated sounding medical terms.

We feel exposed and vulnerable.

It’s so hard. It’s even harder to talk about how exposed and vulnerable we feel, especially when we feel that we are totally alone in this (which as we clarified above, not accurate, since it’s happening to a lot of us.)

It’s also so hard to keep talking about it when we get less than ideal responses, like;

“Just relax, it will happen!”

“You can always try again.”

*crickets*

One of the hardest parts of going through my own fertility treatments was sitting in the waiting room with so many other women who were going through similar experiences. There was so much potential for support and empathy, yet we were all too busy trying not to make eye contact.

Maybe we need a better system in those waiting rooms; wear a green pin for “yes, please talk to me, I need to desperately!” and red for “not today, will just be staring at my shoes.” (side note: if you go with the staring at your shoes option, make sure to wear your most awesome amazing shoes. You gotta find joy where you can.)

If you are a woman currently in the midst of this fertility crap, please know that you’re not alone in this. You likely have some unrealistic expectations of yourself and how you “should” be coping. These experiences can trigger all sorts of responses and you need to allow yourself to feel them. You need to talk about your experience. Not sure who to talk to? You can definitely talk to me. Many women report feeling a bit better after just a few sessions (the first session will likely involve some, er, many tears and that’s okay. I’ve got tissues and I’m cool with crying).

If you know someone that is experiencing fertility complications and you don’t know what to say, that’s okay, you don’t have to have the perfect thing to say. Ask her how she is feeling. Give her space to talk about what she needs to talk about. Bring her ice cream. Don’t try to make it better (seriously, retire any well-meaning platitudes today!). Acknowledge what she is going through. Do not ignore or avoid the topic. I know you don’t want to upset her, but she’s already upset, and ignoring just makes it worse.

So society, can we pledge to do better? Can we pledge that we will stop being so weird and awkward. Can we just say “I’m sorry this is happening, it sucks.”

Reflections of a Mud Woman: What is Self-Care?

Self-care | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

“So, does this count as self-care?”

I posed this question to two friends this weekend; we were completely covered in mud, we were about halfway through a 9 km, 13 obstacle challenge and it was about a bazillion degrees out (it seemed like a good idea when I signed up for it back in January.)

Apparently it did count. My (clearly more chipper and positive) friend outlined the reasons it totally counted; we were doing something that was physically healthy, we were spending time together and doing something that was solely for us. 

Once I completed the course, got the mud out of places that mud should never be, I reflected more about this experience and how I couldn’t help but agree that it totally did count as self-care. 

Sometimes it can be tricky to determine what self-care actually is. Sure we hear about it all the time. We know (in theory) that it’s important.  We know that we should be doing it and we also know that we aren’t doing enough of it.

So what exactly is self-care?

•    Self-care can be *anything* that has a positive impact on you, both in the short-term and long-term (we’ll get back to things that seem like self-care but actually aren’t). I call it finding your moments of bliss; those moments when you can connect to and say “ahh, this feels pretty good right now.”

•    Self-care is not things that feel good in the moment, but that come with an emotional hangover. You may have experienced this when that second piece of cake totally felt like self-care in the moment (“it was so tasty!”) but within a few minutes you are beating yourself up for having too much sugar, your stomach hurts and now you feel even worse. That’s not to say that good food can’t be a part of self-care (in my world, brie is totally self-care), but also be aware of any negative impacts it may have on you afterwards.

•    Self-care can be activities that we do for our physical body; going on walks, taking an exercise class, working out at the gym. Exercise can be a huge mood booster, but it needs to be something that you actually enjoy. Dragging yourself to the gym 5 times a week and absolutely hating every minute may be “healthy” but probably isn’t refueling you. Pick something that you enjoy.

•    Self-care can be activities that involve other people; going out for coffee with friends, hanging out with your partner, having a tickle fight with your kids. However, notice when being around other people is actually draining. Most of us need alone time. Honour your needs or spending time with others will feel less like self-care, and more like an obligation.

•    Self-care can be activities that engage our minds; reading, writing, art projects. Again though (are you noticing a trend here?), it actually needs to be something that you enjoy. Just because colouring is all the rage, that doesn't mean it's the right fit for you. Find something that works for you. If you need to read the equivalent of candy floss for the brain, go for it!

Regardless of your definition of self-care, the most important part is that you're doing it on a regular and consistent basis! 

Three Things You Need to Know About Therapy

There are a lot of misconceptions and myths about therapy (ex. I don't just silently stare and judge you for an hour ;) You may have wondered what therapy is like or have had some previous experience in therapy, with less than ideal results. In this video, I share three things that you need to know before picking up the phone and booking that first appointment. If you have any further questions please contact me.  I would be happy to answer any questions that you have.  

The Ripple Effect: How our Feelings can Change the World

Feelings Emotions | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You feel irritable, low on patience and everything feels overwhelming.

What happens in your interactions with others? Maybe you’re a bit snappier with your kids? You roll your eyes at your partner’s joke that he has made to try to cheer you up. You don’t let someone pull in front of you in traffic.  It’s really hard to listen to your co-worker’s complaints again.  

And then you feel guilty. You didn’t want to feel like this or treat others badly. You want to have a good day. You beat yourself up and vow that things will be different. And maybe they are. And sometimes, despite your best intentions, things still feel crappy.

How about those days when you are feeling great? You are feeling energized and positive. Your kid is freaking out and you are able to get to their level and diffuse the situation.  You look at your partner, feel grateful for your imperfect relationship and give them a hug. This time you do let someone go ahead of you. You are able to empathize with your co-worker; she is really having a hard time.

Ripples.

How we feel has a ripple effect. Our emotional well-being impacts how we interact with both our most intimate friends and complete strangers. How we treat them may impact how they treat someone else later that day.

Ripples.

So, now  I’m responsible for the emotional well-being of everyone else?!?!?

Of course not.  We are all ultimately responsible for our own well-being.

I cannot make you happy.

You cannot make me happy.

However, our emotional experiences do not happen in a vacuum. We affect others and others affect us. Even if we decide to live on a deserted island all by ourselves, our lack of others will affect us.  It’s part of being human; we desire connection yet are scared by it.

The truth is we are all the walking wounded. We all have our emotional bump and bruises. For some of us, our emotional injuries are catastrophic. We differ in how we tend to those wounds.

Some of us pretend that the wound doesn’t exist, even though it’s gushing blood.

Some of us pick at our wounds. We scratch and pick and can’t find relief.

Sometimes we allow the wound to heal, but a bump or jostle can make it twinge.

Then we go out into the world and we interact with other wounded people. Sometimes we find solace when we find someone who truly gets our wound, because they have a matching scar. Sometimes our wounds make it impossible for us to connect, even though it’s what we so desperately need. Sometimes all we can see is someone’s wound and not the person that they are underneath all that messiness. 

We are expected to be the perfect parent and empathize with our kids, even though we have never been on the receiving end of empathy ourselves. We are expected to have this passionate, amazing romantic relationship even when we have no clue what a realistic relationship looks like. We are expected to maintain relationships that are incredibly harmful to us to keep up appearances.

We are the walking wounded.

This can be a pretty depressing thought. It definitely doesn’t me give the warm fuzzies.

However, it is amazing to be a witness when someone acknowledges their wounds. When rather than shaming, judging or criticizing yourself for an emotional response, you allow it to happen and understand why it’s happening.

You start showing yourself compassion and kindness.

You start making choices that are healthier for you.

You make space for true connection with others.

The healing starts.

And then the amazing ripple effects happen.

You may make someone feel so much better just be being authentic and honest. You are finally able to put all of those parenting strategies into place because you are actually functioning from a healthy place (have you ever noticed how so much parenting advice doesn’t actually consider how the parent is doing?). You may model to your daughter that self-care is okay. You may model to your son that having feelings is okay. You may show your partner that you accept them, flaws and all.

Ripples.

I want you to heal your wounds for you. I want you to feel less anxiety, to feel that you’re enough, to feel like you’re living the life that fits for you.

However, the impact that your healing can have on the world can be truly amazing. I see it every day. As wounds begin to heal, the ripple effects begin.

Our feelings can change the world. 

Summer Plans for the Stressed Out Teacher

Being a teacher is a tough gig! You're being pulled in so many different directions, have so many kids' needs to attend to, and you have your own life too! By the end of the school year, you are probably burnt out! Here is a plan for how to refuel your coping tank during your summer break.

Self-Care for Professional Women

Work can be a huge source of stress for  women. Here's a quick video on how to take care of yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed by work.  

The Epidemic of the Overwhelmed, Worried Woman

Stress Anxiety | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

When people find out that I am a psychologist, one of the first questions they ask is

 “What is your speciality/who do you work with?”

(Sometimes they also ask if I’m trying to read their minds and that’s when I need to remind myself that it’s not polite to roll my eyes.)

When I reply that my primary focus is overwhelmed and worried women, the typical response is:

“Isn’t that all of them?”

“You must be really busy.”

“Can I have your card?”

While I’m incredibly grateful that I have found my professional passion and there is a need for the work that I do, it’s also super disheartening that we have come to a place that we have accepted that a woman’s natural resting state should be “overwhelmed and worried.”

What is contributing to your overwhelmed and worried state?

1.       You think of “worried” as a stable personality trait, rather than something that can be changed. You may come from a long line of “worriers” and been exposed to excessive worry, so it’s the norm for you. You may have integrated “worrier” into a part of your identity and can’t envision a life without worry.  It is not even on the radar that maybe you don’t have to worry so much.

2.       You have unrealistic expectations of yourself.  You feel that you should be able to do it all; be a great mom, great wife, great friend, great professional, great decorator, great cook, great “insert favourite Pinterest board.” This is a great way to end up overwhelmed, because there is no way you can be great at everything.

3.       You have a hard time saying no. Sure, you’re more than happy to bake 100 cupcakes for the school bake sale! Of course, chairing that awful committee is no problem!  You would absolutely love to organize a camping trip for 20 people. Or not. But, saying no feels icky and then you have to deal with the guilt, so you just say yes.  And then feel resentment. And tired. And you vow that you will never agree to something that you don’t want to do again. Until someone asks again.

4.       You link your self-worth to what you do, rather than who you are.  It feels that you need a long to-do list to prove your value. If you’re not doing, you’re not worthy. It is hard to accept that you are enough simply because you are you.

5.       Your coping tank is empty and you need refuelling. When you are running on empty, worry can take over. Most things feel so much more difficult and challenging when you have nothing left in the tank.  

While this overwhelmed and worried state is common, it is not normal or healthy. We cannot simply accept that our lives should make us emotionally and physically ill. One of the easiest things we can do to reduce our feelings of being overwhelmed and worried is to start making a conscious effort to engage in more self-care. Make your own well-being a priority.

If you’re ready to ditch the worry and create a life that truly works for you, please contact me. I would be happy to help you start shedding the overwhelmed and worry label. 

38 Therapists, 3 Days, 1 Huge Lesson

Vulnerability | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

This is a story about connection, vulnerability and showing up just as you are. I just came back from a conference. It wasn't your usual conference though. I travelled across three time zones to spend 3 days with 37 other therapists that I had never met in person. As my depature date drew nearer and near, my anxiety began to creep up.

“What if they don't like me?”

“What am I going to say? What if I sound dumb?”

“What am I going to wear?”

I knew that in order to get the most out of the conference, I would need to be authentic. Honest. Actually admit that I didn't always know what I was doing. This was both terrifying but also curiously freeing. I was not only permitted, but actually encouraged, to just show up as I was.

So I did show up, anxiety and all.

And the most amazing things started to happen.

My anxiety started to go down. I began to learn not only skills, but started to learn about myself. Other attendees were sharing about their own fears and vulnerability. Walls came down. People started sharing parts of themselves.

And then the connections started happening.

People were developing relationships. Finding kindred spirits.

Soul sisters.

Spirit animals.

People who had only met the day before were sharing their struggles and supporting each other. We had found our tribe. A group of people that understood us, appreciated us and wanted to support us as we grew.

At the end of the conference, many tears were shed. My own protective shell had completely crumbled and the soft marshmallowy core of me was seeping out of my eyeballs. We were sad that we were parting ways but also so grateful that when we showed up with vulnerability, we were received with warmth, acceptance and kindness.

This is what we all need. We need our tribe. We need to feel safe to just show up as we are. We need those people who we can be vulnerable with.

But it's so, so hard. Even walking into a space filled with therapists, some of the most non-judgmental, empathetic people in the world, was really scary. Leaning in to our own vulnerability leaves us feeling so exposed, so at risk for hurt and rejection.

However, the alternative is just as scary. If we walk around all the time with our walls up, we miss the opportunity to truly connect with others. By tapping into our own vulnerability, we are able to truly show up and then allow others to show up as well.

Here is a challenge for you; show up just as you are. We want to see you.

Please share this with the people that you truly want to see #ShowUpAsYouAre

5 Easy Ways to Shush the "Not Good Enoughs"

Negative Self-talk | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know that feeling that you're not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not “fill in the blank” enough. It is a terrible feeling. It fills you with shame. It makes you feel like you should be doing more (although you're not sure what you should be doing or when you should do it).

This feeling is fueled by unrealistic expectations. You have an idea of what you are supposed to be based on what you see in the movies and on tv, the magazines you read, the carefully edited Facebook profiles of your friends. These unrealistic expectations are well, unrealistic. No one is the ideal anything because we are human beings and part of our charm is that we kind of make things up as we go along.

This is okay.

There is no protocol on how to be the perfect mom, or the perfect wife, or the perfect career woman. Sure, there are some general guidelines (you probably need to actually show up to keep a job) but there is no mold that you need to squeeze yourself into. You are enough.

Seriously, you are enough.

This can be really hard to accept especially if you have been exposed to judgement and criticism (and seriously, who hasn't) and you have internalized those messages. The voice in your head never fails to tell you that you are not enough.

How to silence the “not enough” thoughts

1. Notice the thoughts. Thoughts are constantly running through your head that you may not be consciously aware of. You can't change what you're not aware of.

2. When you notice the “not enough” thought, weigh the evidence for or against that thought. Take the thought to court.

3. Is your evidence based on reality? Are you comparing yourself to an ideal that only exists in a photo shopped magazine spread?

4. Show yourself some compassion. You know that kindness you show to everyone else in your life? Do that with yourself.

5. Accept you for you. Yes, you can set goals for yourself and strive to make changes. That is not a bad thing. However, even without these changes, you are still pretty awesome. You are awesome enough.

Imagine what it would feel like once you shush the not good enough thoughts. Pretty amazing, huh? Know someone who also struggles with the not good enoughs? Feel free to share this post with them. Let's support each other in our enoughness.

How Full is Your Coping Tank? Verge of a Nervous Breakdown or Ready for the Long Haul?

Self-care | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know those days where everything feels overwhelming? You can’t find anything to wear and you want to cry. You go to make breakfast, there’s no bread and it feels like the end of the world. You spill coffee on the one shirt that isn’t wrinkled, and you’re heading into nervous breakdown territory.

And then there are the days where you are feeling amazing! Traffic snarl? No worries, you’ll just turn up the music and enjoy the alone time. Big stressor at work? You got this and save the day! Friend comes to you with all of her stressors. You are as solid as a rock.

What gives? How is it that you can manage stressors so well in some moments, and other times you feel that you can barely keep it together?

The Coping Tank

How you respond to stressors is largely influenced by the level of reserves in your coping tank. You tap into your reserves when there is a need for stress management. You also need to refuel your tank. You do not have an infinite reserve of coping fuel.  You have to make conscious choices that will help you refuel.

What happens when your coping tank is running low? You start having a really hard time when stressors happen. You may feel exhausted all the time. You may feel tearful or on edge. It feels like there is nothing left for you at the end of the day.

What happens when you are running on fumes? You find it hard to meet other people’s needs.  Everything feels like it is a huge effort. Your mood is volatile.  You may start experiencing physical symptoms like hair loss, headaches, skin conditions flare up.  You may start struggling with feelings of depression or anxiety. Things feel so hard.  

Eventually you may even run out of fumes and all you’re left with is an old, rusted out tank. This is bad.

How to refuel your coping tank?

Self-care, self-care, self-care (and some more self-care for good measure). Easy, right?

Not so much.  There are many obstacles to self-care. However, it is critical. It is no longer optional. So, here are a few ways to refill that tank so you don’t end up sputtering at the side of the road one day.

·         Sleep. This one of the most basic, yet most overlooked, building blocks to self-care. If sleep sucks, everything sucks.  Chronic difficulties with sleep drain you physically and emotionally. When you are tired, everything feels so much worse. Go to bed at the same time every day. Get up at the same time every day. Develop a bedtime routine to wind down (they’re not just for toddlers!).

·         Eat properly. You can decide what eating properly means to you, but make sure you are regularly fuelled with good nutrition. I know that I easily fall victim to feeling “hangry”, and I can’t even cope with a hangnail if I’m not properly fed. Your physical body needs to be nourished so that you can functional optimally.

·         Be careful if you’re using food or alcohol as a coping mechanism. Sometimes a nice meal, a sweet treat or the occasional glass of wine can be a part of your self-care regimen. However, if you feel  guilt or shame afterwards, it can drain the tank rather than add to it

·         Self-care doesn’t have to be complicated. Go outside for a few minutes. Belt out a favorite song. Find something that feels good to you.

·         Notice when your tank is getting low. Are you more irritable? Do you feel exhausted? Do minor stressors feel incredibly overwhelming? Know your signs early on and fill up that tank!

In my London, Ontario counselling practice I regularly work with women who are running on fumes. I talk to friends and they are running on fumes. I talk to other professionals in all sorts of industries and they are seeing clients who are running on fumes.  This is a common and serious problem! We need to start addressing our general lack of self-care and start letting go of the guilt that is often associated with taking time for ourselves. Please share this post and let’s start filling up our tanks!